Bravery

What I really enjoy from my trips to places is not the stamps I get in my passport, or the surprise purchases I find, but the friends I get to catch up with.

This time in Hanoi, I had dinner with my dear angel N before her upcoming marriage in December. Part of our little Charlie & Angels group, she was the first to get hitched and even in a very prompt manner. But leaving behind a Sex & the City life with adventures, she felt a bit cowardish to choose such a family life. I kinda laughed at the idea - as I found her so brave to make such a decision while I couldn't even get myself in a relationship. Men after men, I shook my head and escaped as soon as I found a tiny reason to do so, therefore avoiding the tiniest possibility of failure. There she was, braving herself through a marriage with optimism - I considered her very strong and admired her so very much.

The following day I took a flight to Bangkok. Sitting in the evening traffic jam, I cringed at the thought of living here and suffering this jam everyday. The noise, the dirt, the bottleneck frustration represent the general feeling I get from Hanoi's political and social atmosphere. I can't wait till the first chance to get out.

As I yearned for the moment I would sit comfortably on the plane, I was a tiny bit troubled by such demonstration of my very own cowardice. Here milions of people braved though that chaotic madness to live by - people like my family who escaped the frustration outside to find even more sadness at home. My brother in law just declined a scholarship to Japan to stay and help out with the family. When facing options, not everyone rush for the first exit. And that's what I would call bravery.

If they can deal with that, why can't I brave through the tiny bits of bureaucratic hurdles at work to enjoy and make the most our of life?

An apartment built for one....

In the blink of an eye, the year-end holidays are already around the corner. As David Archuleta's new Christmas album suddenly seems so fitting with popperies and bubbling hot cinnamon apple cider - a night at home or indoor is never better justified.

Speaking of home - I ended up not having to move any time soon until possibly next June when my contract is up for renewal. This continuation calls for some shake up in the interior decor, as the fickle me cannot stand living in the same "condition" for so long. There is no better time for such a make-over project, especially with the current of interior hunting among my dear DC friends, who have bookmarked websites such as Craigslist and made more trips to Marshalls, Tjmaxx, Homewood, and the like than grocery stores.

So as part of my interior design adventures, yesterday I passed through West Elm with Alan for, partially, him to check out furniture for his up-coming home office. Somewhere halfway through our shopping adventure, I had a distinctive unease - something half sadness, half anger, and topped by a grin of exhaustion. I couldn't name it or understand where it had come from, but it was lingering somewhere in the back of my mind.

Later, I went to Tim & Huong's for dinner and to check out their new pad. As I was listening to my friends' grand ideas and like-steal purchases, I got to pause for a few seconds to think about "home-making." More than putting pieces of furniture together according to some model home from Elle Decor or Architectural Digest, my friends are building a home for themselves, be it a cozy loveshack of Huong & Tim, a 2+ cohabitation of No&Toan, or an indoor-playground-included family of Diep&Phi. There's something there that fits them, that sparks love, that nurtures their relationship through fun, fights, and fears.

And then at that very moment, I realized what had struck me earlier that day - I was home-shopping with a man I was not building a home with - and the result not necessary a home, but a well-decorated space - for one. As Huong's earlier observation - "I think you always look for a big love!" - rang in my head, I shrugged at the long yearning for a home-building partner, with an air of exhaustion blanketing my mind.

I am never pessimistic - but there are just moments like this, when I look back, look again, and then just have to shake myself hard to regain the optimism to look ahead.

Photo credit: Fashionation - by Elle