family

I realized today that I don't blog about my family very often.

It's not a typical gay-son-distanced-from-his-family story. As a matter of fact, I love my family dearly, and probably even more since I left for school. Being far away from home, I hold on to only beautiful memories of my family members and cherish the little time we have together each year - even though at the end of each visit, I often feel like I've got enough of a family dose that can last well until the next one.

The reason for my revelation today is that I've been absolutely hooked on Brothers & Sisters. This show is beautiful put together and exploits to the core the family dynamics that everyone of us can identify with, be it the overly worried and boundary-blind mother; the subtly loving but equally secretive father; the other woman and her daughter who unavoidably take part in the whole family drama; and an uncle who struggles to have his own life outside of this dysfunctional family. Yet above that is the demonstrably immense love and support for each other of the siblings who share no secrecy, who fight like cats and dogs but always show up for each other when in need.

The series constantly evoked more beautiful memories of my family members - especially when I desperately needed help: my father worrily sitting at my bedside to attend to my fever, begging me to eat just another spoon of porridge; my mother making dozens of call to help me figuring out the bureaucracy of my scholarship; and my sister comfortly hugged me before I left the country and especially this summer, when she finally accepted me as who I am.

Yet, as much as I find strength and support from my family, I sometimes wonder if the family structure and its underlying Asian structure are always so supportive. First, the emphasis on maintaining an idealistic family structure can be doubly destructive. I feel that I was lucky to be born in such time when sending kids abroad was popular and feasible. Looking at my sister and her generation, when the common ideals were to get married, have a family and a stable government job, and survive the rest of your life. She didn't know, at the time, that she could dream of flying away, of experiencing different things. What I see in her family, as well as my cousins who still live at home, is solely a sense of surviving their life. That family pressure was imposed on them and finally coopted them into a prestructured life without much personal enjoyment. Of course, my sister may feel perfectly happy with her choice - I couldn't help wondering if she would have chosen something else if she were in my shoes, or even now, with exposure, albeit late, to different things.

Second, while providing an unequivocal safety net to family members, it can become a source of over dependency. As my friend Will explains it, a lot of young people in various countries across Asia live with their families, so their income can be spent on themselves. With that, they have less incentives to try harder to pursue something much bigger than a mediocre job. I find this relatively true for quite many people.

Yet, it is not an excuse to blame our families for everything. All these aside, family is still our eternal source of strength. I know mine is, for both me and my sister - especially in times like this when she needs more help than ever with her children. At the end of the day, when you know that there are people who love and support the you you are, it is truly an utmost comfort and luxury.