Before the storm hits....

In between days of climatic cruelty, I woke up to a morning of beautiful sunshine and a clear blue sky. The tensely dry cold air somehow managed to wind down, settling the sand from construction sites on the ground, next to a few dunes of not-yet-melted snow.

I didn’t know if it was because of the calm weather or the breathing techniques I picked up from my conference a few weeks ago but somehow my emotions have managed to settle as well. It's like I have made peace with them – even though I knew they were still lingering around deep in my heart. Yet, just like the storm that would come soon– I knew those feelings would eventually rise up to disturbances…

But for this moment, it was easy to just let go and enjoy the sunshine.

Photo credit: Calm Before the Storm (2007) by Steen Doessing

Inspiration...

The persistent cold weather in DC has managed to slow down any activities to an idyllic state and, in the same process, freeze personalities to some sort of dull resemblances.

In that sluggish post-holidays pace, it was ironic that my first week back at work ended up being incredibly hectic. Four out of of 5 people of my team were out on holidays or mission while we were having an event coming up pretty soon -which left me with all the last minute preparation. On the bright side, that gave me the chance to work as a de facto team leader, and it left me quite a lot of new perspectives.

Yet, as much as work could distract me from the unreal cold winds outside, after 8 hours of labor, the reality quickly took over. I didn't know if it was really the weather, or DC itself, but somehow I just couldn't find any inspiration from the immediate physical and social surroundings. Everywhere I went I saw the same infrastructures, the same people doing the very similar thing - I ached for some fun picture, some interesting work, some inspirational story , but no one could quite intrigue me like Brent did two years ago. I couldn't help but wonder, was it his experiences or his passion that gave him such a captivating personality? And as I continued to dread the dullness of DC, I wondered when and from whom I would find the next inspiration.

With that in mind, I lugged myself to meet a friend from school for dinner and drink one Friday night. Our conversation was rather banal, and I would admit it was more of my boredom that took over, so when we moved to drinks and a bit dancing I began to watch the time more closely. Waiting for the alcohol to wear off before I could drive home, I saw a beautiful man on the dance floor - well, it was hard not to notice him, given how my friends were all looking at him. Tall, blond, beautifully slim fit, with a provocative perky butt slightly revealed through the low-rise jeans. Suddenly the gorgeous creature, Matt - if I recalled correctly, turned and gave me a smile that could warm up any heart, even one of a cold bitchy one. Before I knew it, we were dancing and talking together. It wasn't long before he told me what he did for a living - he was a male stripper.

That was a first! I thought so as we continued to enjoy each other's company. He surely had some moves that my lawyers and military friends could never imitate. He surely had a beautiful body that some would dream to have one day. Most of all, he surely had a profession that not everyone would even consider - especially in DC. Yet, he managed to intrigue me even more when he leaned over and whispered in my ears "There's nothing I want more than to kiss you right now - but we just met, and I am a stripper but not a slut, so let's meet and go out later."

In a city where men put on a straight high moral face at work to mask their devilish sluttiness inside, a city where men consider homewrecking a leisure, a city where dating is almost as hard as the Viagra-produced constant boner, it was so refreshing to meet a man who, despite a profession that people frown upon, managed, or was aspired, to stay so decent.

He might not call, or might not even remember our conversation - but his words were everything that I needed. It was more than a breathe of fresh air that brought back the inspiration to carry on life, in hope of meeting a great, decent, and interesting man.

Credit: Winter in Delft - Arkadius Zkotlewski

1, 2, 3, ...

It has been a long time since I last spent my new year's eve in the US - after Amsterdam, Singapore, and Bangkok the past 3 years - and being "home" after all provided a good occasion to reflect at this annual hallmark on what has been achieved and what to look forward to. Obviously I have done the year-end summary bit before Christmas, so it was natural that when the count-down finished, no more champagne, and the fireworks [were] through, all I thought of was what I would try to achieve in this new year.

Yet, as I was going down the 1, 2, 3 of 2010 goals, I was struck by a same pattern I had done things in 2009, 2008, and before that. At some level, it seemed that I had been creating some sort of list for everything I do: "Top 20 universities for graduate school," "Top 10 employers with GLBT-friendly policies," "Top 5 travel destinations," and then, "Top 100 qualities that I look for in a boyfriend." All along these lists have been manipulating my choice of action, crossing out prospects that do not make it to the top - including men who, in one way or another, fail to possess ALL those 100 qualities. (OK, so it's not really 100 - but a lot!). As I looked at a hot guy right next to me at the party, I was wondering if I were dating him, how long it would have taken me to find out his flaws and send him away. Just like my discussion on having plan B, in this case, it seemed that having a list is just as bad as not having one. For the clear orientation that a list provided, it could also too quickly reject prospects who might just be 1 or 2 errors shy from perfection.

Not compromising or settling for less than these lists has stuck with me for years - and as a new year rolled in, I just wish there would be someone special enough to make me feel like I were not compromising at all. Is that too much to ask?

Happy 2010 to everyone!


Credit: Hermes at lesailes.hermes.com

In Christmas spirits...

After days of personal imprisonment, I finally got a quick breath of fresh air before jumping into a car heading to the ever crowded Potomac Mills for some Christmas shopping.

As we arrived at the destination, despite my commitment to cut cost and an occasional enthusiasm with low-budget shopping, I quickly found myself sickened by the mountain of neglected last-season clothes and the flow of low-educated and badly-dressed shoppers. The Christmas spirits, instead of dorning a beaming glow on everyone, somehow managed to add a few more lines of stress across the faces already paled by the cold and the previous snow storm. People stood in lines for hours for some small little things that, to me, were often minute in value, ridiculous in design, and potentially zero in utility. They threw their new purchases into a cart and pushed it along the stream of similarly unhappy families at the mall.

Half way through the mile long mall, I decided to get some Auntie Anne sugar cinnamon sticks - an unavoidable treat for every trip to a shopping mall. Sitting at a plastic bench still haunted by the odeur of fast food (I would say Chicken McNugget, fries, and a large order of Coke!), I was suddenly intrigued by the couple next to me. As the man was looking through the shopping bags, the woman checked off a list of gift items written neatly on a pieace of pink post-it. At the end of the stock-taking exercise, she let out a tiny, albeit tiring, smile, reaffirming the man of some little girl who would be very surprised receiving these gifts.

Then, I suddenly forgot about the river of exhausted human beings flowing by me and thought of a family surrounding a Christmas tree full of presents. Despite all the pre-holiday angst and fatigue, at that very moment on Christmas Day, they would all be worth it when the receiver found some little surprise wrapped with love. And that, to me, more than these minutias, was what Christmas represented - a season of love for everyone.

A year-end contemplation...

December and the pre-holiday rituals of Christmas party madness rolled out so fast that in the blink of an eye, two-third of the month had already passed. It didn't help either that December was one of the busiest times of the year at work, as people pushed to wrap up unfinished business before their year-end vacations. In the midst of those social and professional maelstroms, a sudden snow storm temporarily brought me to a halt and contemplate the year that is about to end.

2009 was marked by 3 major achievements: my master's degree termination, my professional embarkation, and my social reconnection. In May, I graduated from one of the top school in International Affairs, and joined the most prestigious development institution as a consultant. There's still a lot of room to develop within this institution or within the sector, but given the economy's slow recovery, it was a privilege and comfort to be there. On the social front, I managed to spend a lot more time with friends, old and new, including a special trip to Vietnam for my best friend's wedding. It was a special moment, and topped with a much desired qualification for Star Alliance Gold status, which I got for the first time after 8 years flying with the Alliance. Given these achievements, 2010 looked even more exciting!

As I sat contemplating what I have achieved and looked to the future, I remembered what my friend Selina told me, "You should save something for the future, so that you have something to look forward to." Well, I believed as we achieved something, we would create new goals to reach, and that was how we should live our lives. Per suggestion of Will, I listed 5 things I would like to achieve, as of this moment.

1. Learn to ballroom dance - a passion and a dream that had been burning inside me, but due to time and financial constraints I had not got to do. I would like to learn all, and master at least the Viennese Waltz and the Argentine Tango.

2. Travel to Russia - a very special place, not only because of our Communist/Socialist connections, but also for the kind-hearted Russian men, the Red Square, the willow tree, and the burgeoning design paradise.

3. Renovate my parents' apartment in Hanoi - this 13-year-old 2-floor penthouse would be converted into a beautiful 2 bedroom apartment according to my masterplan, which should start within the next 2 - 3 years or so.

4. Take my sister on a trip to Europe - showing her the Europe that I loved, and bonding in a cafe somewhere on Champs Elysees.

5. Train to swim better - but I would be the one who set the standard to measure what "better" meant, right?

Some short-term, some medium-term, but I thought it was a good idea to at least put them down in writing and keep them on the back burner for now... So swim lesson first?

Merry Christmas and Happy 2010 everyone!

Photo Credit: Snow in DC - by Natalia Esina

Is it good to always have a plan B?

I got back to the US in one very upsetting piece.

Apart from my long layover in Singapore (half of which spent on an Asian-size stone-hard recliner at Changi Airport) and my 2 endless flights (both in economy cabin without personal video screen), my jetlagged ass arrived at work Monday morning with the possibility of losing my precious little office. Apparently soon (dunno when!) they would make consultants bring our own computer and find an undesignated space to work.

My Facebook friends probably saw pictures from my cute little office – my own little space where I could close the door and shut down noises and bureaucracy from outside. So you could imagine how I felt about the threat of losing it. In that context, it’s no surprised that my over-thinking mind has been overworking to figure out actions to maintain my fortress. But as I frantically called up compassionate colleagues to vent and seek advice, my ACS shook my shoulder and told me to take a chill pill. “Let it happen first,” he said, “then worry later!”

Let it happen first? Wow, I thought this guy didn’t know me at all. Growing up with extremely careful parents, I learned to have plan B (and C and D and so on) for everything. Every action, in my mind, came in the format of “If…, then…” clauses. Naturally I would like to be as prepared as possible when something happened. Examples of unpreparedness, such as my Thai friend who stood at the crossroad of separation worried about a divorce with his partner, reinforced my propensity to over-think even more.

Then I remembered about my meeting with a friend before her wedding and she mentioned having thought about the worst case scenarios when her relationship would not work out. “Then,” she said, “I would just fly away and recreate my life somewhere else, away from this country.” At first I thought that was such a great thing – her coming into this all thought out and prepared! And then, it struck me that the action that she was about to take was not just an impulse purchase or a detour on her way home; it was a life-changing step that should have been culminated from a solid love between her and her partner. Coming into that with a worst-case scenario mentality is not the type of preparation you want at all.

Suddenly, it seemed quite ok to let things happen first before you start worrying about them…and with that, I felt that I should enjoy my office, at least when I still had it for myself.


Photo credit: Mexico - by Hang Do

Bravery

What I really enjoy from my trips to places is not the stamps I get in my passport, or the surprise purchases I find, but the friends I get to catch up with.

This time in Hanoi, I had dinner with my dear angel N before her upcoming marriage in December. Part of our little Charlie & Angels group, she was the first to get hitched and even in a very prompt manner. But leaving behind a Sex & the City life with adventures, she felt a bit cowardish to choose such a family life. I kinda laughed at the idea - as I found her so brave to make such a decision while I couldn't even get myself in a relationship. Men after men, I shook my head and escaped as soon as I found a tiny reason to do so, therefore avoiding the tiniest possibility of failure. There she was, braving herself through a marriage with optimism - I considered her very strong and admired her so very much.

The following day I took a flight to Bangkok. Sitting in the evening traffic jam, I cringed at the thought of living here and suffering this jam everyday. The noise, the dirt, the bottleneck frustration represent the general feeling I get from Hanoi's political and social atmosphere. I can't wait till the first chance to get out.

As I yearned for the moment I would sit comfortably on the plane, I was a tiny bit troubled by such demonstration of my very own cowardice. Here milions of people braved though that chaotic madness to live by - people like my family who escaped the frustration outside to find even more sadness at home. My brother in law just declined a scholarship to Japan to stay and help out with the family. When facing options, not everyone rush for the first exit. And that's what I would call bravery.

If they can deal with that, why can't I brave through the tiny bits of bureaucratic hurdles at work to enjoy and make the most our of life?